
How do I know you?
Were we at a party and introduced by mutual friends?
Did someone in my family know you and suggest we meet?
Did I find you in a cafe? In a club? At a bar?
Did we meet at a church? A book club? a political rally?
At a river clean-up? A yard sale?
No.
We "met" on Facebook, and one of us decided to ask for a friendship.
But what does that mean?
The answer to this question often creeps me out . I want to "get off FB."
Why?
I am a lonely algorithm, a collection of statistics, one that can be sold, marketed, placed into an X Files style-databank of information that can be monetized.
I am a collection of images. Selfies. On the internet. for... how long? Who sees? What is perceived? Who knows?
Perhaps the only relief to the paranoia of misperception and manipulation is the idea that friends attract friends.
If I know one person, in the real, and that person knows others on FB, I am inclined to trust those connections. My real friend has created a safety zone.
Another name for this "Zone" could be "Community."
During pandemic times, when we were so quarantined, this FB Community grew in my heart. It was a link to the world I couldn't enter. We couldn't socialise. And so our fragile ties online seemed to strengthen. We could use words like "love" and "miss you" as though we suddenly had 1000 best friends. We needed each other, in a new way.
And now, here we are, in 2024.
I have found myself going out, in Los Angeles, limitedly. And in music venues, I meet the FB people I have had as friends since pandemic times. They recognise me, and I them. And I can feel the surprise. I am often wont to say, "You are so much better in person!" Because friends generally are!
You never know how tall a person is on FB. You don't know a laugh, a hug, eye contact. You don't know the shy behaviors, or the loudness or the quirkiness of a person. You don't know how uncomfortable you might feel. You don't know how awkward. On FB, you can always click off, or scroll down. In the real, you have to deal. Well, at least for as long as you want to feel.
I can't help but wonder how people who meet me in the flesh perceive me. Do you wonder too?
Am I more interesting as a collection of images than in person? Do I look old? Overweight? Tired? Goofy?
Perhaps the larger issue underneath this is that sad wondering: "But would you really want to know me? Would you really want to be my friend?"
And in this age of so much remote contact, what does it really mean to be someone's friend?
Has FB cheapened the concept? Is simply saying " I am sorry for your loss" when a pet, friend or family member dies, enough to qualify as what a friend would do?
Is liking a comment enough?
I've come to conclude that FB has created another level or layer for what a friend is.
And this can resonate as an even deeper loneliness. An Eleanor Rigby feeling. Of all of those 5000 FB friends, only two came to her funeral after all. "Well, none of them really knew her music. Or what she thought about. Or what she really looked like when she cried. What she did to help her neighbors. How mean her dad could be sometimes. What it was like to stay up all night talking to her. Or eat breakfast. Or jam on Neil Young songs."
Perhaps FB friends represent what each of us would like Society or the Public Mind to look and feel like. Volunteerism is down in our culture. But the need to connect is not, nor will it ever be.
We need it.
It's just that FB friends are like cacti. You don't need to water them much. You really don't need to invest much. They're there, on your screen, until they aren't. And do you really miss them much? What really sticks?
I don't want to run away from connecting, even though my younger friends have long left FB, chosen "Insta" or hang out on "Tiktok." There's also that issue of promoting and marketing your craft and using the FB community to do that. You kind of have to invite your friends to shows, let them hear what you are creating. But sometimes depending on FB friends can be disappointing. A collection of Cheshire Cats. WHERE ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU, REALLY?
Will I ever know?
Well, just the same, I'm not letting go of FB yet.
Does it matter? If you've read this far, I guess you know the answer.
"I've come to conclude that FB has created another level or layer for what a friend is.
And this can resonate as an even deeper loneliness."
Thank you. I felt this 100%. I don't mind the extra layer or the distance most of the time because I really want to see people in person as well. The thing that bothers me the most about facebook is not the connections to other people however frail or flimsy they may be but the connection to the app itself. It's addicting. It occupies way too much of my day. I walk away or take breaks but it pulls me back in like some yo-yo diet or fad. I will always be back. That…
Thanks for the thoughtful message. Like anything, for me, Facebook is what you make of it. Literally everything I've read about Facebook is true to some extent. "it's complicated". It changes for me from time to time. I've reconnected with childhood friends, old flames, and distant family members, and made quite a few friends that have reached beyond the app. I started a Gratitude Club over a decade ago that has resulted in new songwriting partners and true friendships. You learn a lot about a person when they post things they are grateful for every day.