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May the 4th Be With You?

Writer's picture: Feef MooneyFeef Mooney

I am a soul who feels adrift , without a country. I don't bleed blue, or red. Lately, I feel bruised, purple. I am the product of first-world love. With first-world problems. I obsess about my weight, potential health issues. I eat corn chips, because the salt softens my acidic thoughts, notions that troll me in the wee hours.

I wake at 4am with visions of slaughtered elephants in Africa, and starving children in Yemen.

My mind goes on an anxiety field trip. I am

my own Scrooge, visiting death towns: environmental destruction, oceans of plastic, rivers of toxic waste. There are preachers raging brimstone, and toothless meth women whose bones could snap with a hiccup. There are hidden populations of imprisoned individuals with no rights, inadequate food, living in filth. There are children, old people, middle-aged people on ventilators battling COVID. There are people everywhere hurting.

But there are people connecting. People reaching out, using the technology they are learning. People working from home. People playing guitars. People reading books. Walking. running. Walking dogs. Going camping. Making nice meals. Watching TV, or streaming shows. Using Instagram, and Facebook. We are carrying on.

If I were a sociologist, I could have a field day analyzing human behaviour during pandemic. At times, I like to pretend that I am knowledgeable.

What does occur to me is that in these pent-up times, emotions are running high. Everyone feels victimised in some way. Right-wing people hate the "politically correct" and reject that racism is an issue. Some people love the idea that the stock market is doing ok, and jobs are available. The virus thing is overblown, will go away, and masks are not necessary. Don't make me give up my freedom. I will do what I want to do. Let's open up. We need to get back to normal! And screw the Nanny State! Fuck the government! Less is best! Hands off!!

The Left continue to wring their hands. The pandemic is not being taken seriously, and we have high COVID numbers. Europeans do not want to let us in. We do not have a unified front to deal with this crisis. Black Lives do matter, and we need to change our policing policies and structures. Trump is ruining this country, and he has to go. So do all of his cronies who are taking away the idea of public and instead privatising public services.

It goes on and on. And it feels like we are more divided than ever.

I feel the impatience. I want it over. But more than anything, I want the hate over. I want the virus over. I want to know how to respond.

And, in my first-world way, I want to celebrate this country. But what can I celebrate?

I celebrate my routine. My ability to write, to play music, to interact with my friends, family, make new friends. Create fitness videos, songs, thoughts on a page.

I celebrate my rituals. I have breakfast and walk with one of my best friends every Saturday. I donate to the LSS food pantry every Monday. I light candles. I clean the house every day. I have a half hour of reading and meditating in the morning. I have weekly family calls.

Finally, this 4th, I have realised I have come to a Reckoning. Because of the pandemic, I can't just run away to a cinema every Sunday afternoon. I can't hide in diners and coffee joints, staring out windows, waiting for life.

I have to deal with living in a small space. I have to deal with not seeing family, particularly my family in Scotland and in the Midwest. And with those I live close to.. I have to negotiate space, and be patient. These may feel like small sacrifices.

But in thinking of the 4th, and patriotism, the first word that occurs is Sacrifice. I am forced to think about how I fit into this country-in-pandemic. Wtf am I doing? How am I making things better for others, for myself? Or worse? I have to live in this muddle, this discomfort, this not-knowing.

And I am not alone.

The 4th is definitely with us all.

Thanks for reading and helping me to write this.

It's how we get through. Connecting. I'll keep doing that.

I hope you will too.





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