When Texts are Toxic

Over the past year, I have found myself texting more than ever. I rarely call anyone. Emails get lost and remain unchecked, so I find myself deleting spam every day, as no one sends me a personal email, save perhaps a couple of blogger friends of mine, whose essays I read, or, let's be honest, skim.

I have to wonder why I am in such a hurry.

It takes late night and a good novel, after an hour's worth of a streaming show, to get me to absorb myself in language.

For a while, I tried something. every morning. I texted eight friends, different friends each day, with the intention of remaining in touch, in some very non-committed manner. If you knew and liked someone, say someone you knew on Instagram or Facebook, could regular texting build a bit more intimacy? After a year of this, I realized there were people who never responded at all, implying that these texts likely found themselves in a spam folder. Most of us commented on weather and politics, but gently and ironically, and all of us wished each other a good day. None of this interchange was especially personal or interesting, and why should it be?

What is the purpose of a text? I have come to realize that this form of communication is good for two things: to communicate a swath of important information, and to schedule time to do things together.

And here is where I confess that I have misused TEXT. Yes, I have misused it, and it has cost me.

A friend of mine at breakfast told me a brief story, and indicated that he had a friend whose personality on text was utterly different from the persona she presented in person. She could be opinionated and sassy and argumentative on text. In person, she was shy and agreeable.

I think a lot of us have witnessed the bravado and sometimes obnoxiousness of comments on Facebook, particularly crude sneers and smears, sarcasm and nasty angry insults, where political subjects and characters are concerned. You do wonder if a guy would call you a "fucking idiot" in person if you were to make a comment about the cruel and dictatorial behavior of the current President. Then again, would you waste your time? In person, we just "don't go there."

So, a sarcastic comment I made to a friend, using text, when she asked if I knew of something..

was "Duh! Of course!" Now I meant this to be somewhat witty, a sort of Valley Girl response that I thought she would simply dismiss. But she did not. Instead, she texted back: "I won't be spoken to in this way. I don't want to know someone who talks to me like this."

Well, I wasn't talking. I was texting. But apparently my tone was off, and I was seen as insulting her. No apology would suffice. I texted "Sorry!!" and "What a fool I am! Didn't mean anything!"

But it was too late. I even phoned her, and said, "Please. I was not serious. Please don't let a dumb comment ruin a friendship of over 20 years."

One text comment destroyed a friendship. I still don't really understand why.

Very recently, I found myself texting like a mad person, at very late hours in the evening. I was very disgruntled with my life, my career, and my feelings about myself. I was also very insecure about my relationship with someone. This is someone I feel close to, someone I have hung out with, someone I have talked on the phone with.

Yet I engaged in a furious manic text conversation, a mad ping-pong match that felt strangely addictive. How low could I go? What would he say? Would it drive me even further?

Finally, after days of this, one morning, my friend texted me. He simply said, "What is wrong with you? I'm very worried about you."

If he hadn't been a friend, and known me, he might have told me to fuck off and dumped me.

Emotional stuff doesn't belong in the text format, I think. A lot can be misconstrued and lost.

Texting can feel immediate and convenient. You don't even have to listen to anyone. Fingers typing away, lost in this world of getting it all down..

And misunderstandings can be rife. It's all documented on your phone. Once you say it and it is read, it can't be taken back, though you might delete it. The damage can be done so quickly.

But I have another idea about texting.

Think about it.

When you text, no one can hear your voice. It's not like a phone call, in which inflections and pauses can be perceived. Those elements are very HUMAN.

Is it possible that all of this texting is making us less human and more like AI? Texting can feel like BOT behavior!

Recently, I have been making calls to my Senators and Congress people to voice my concerns about a variety of issues. I may not always get the aide, but I can always leave a voicemail.

I like doing this, because it literally reminds me that I DO HAVE A VOICE.

My voice is my power.

Texting, in a sense, takes that away, and can open the door to many misunderstandings.

It may be convenient and quick, but are all of our relationships based on the quick and convenient?

My friends are the ones I see in the real. We sit and talk for hours over drinks or dinner or coffees. I find I need them now more than ever, and sometimes it is to just make sense of all of these texting relationships I seem to have built!

Texting, in a sense, is hiding. Voiceless, invisible. Quick words on a screen.

I resolve to do less of this. Aside from letting you know where to meet me. In the theater. At a show. At a restaurant. At a coffee shop. At a diner.

Join me. Please.

We might text to begin something. But we'll be together in the real to find out where it can go.